W is For Wolowitz
by Number1PixarFan
Summary: Kind of crack!y but totally in character oneshot. The NERDS mistake Howard for the villain they are supposed to fight in the next book. Any pairings are implied. Rated T because Howard is disgusting.


**A/N: I know I've been saying I would write a Big Bang Theory fic. Well, I wrote one. But it's not Lenny like promised. It is a crossover with a book series. I will eventually write a Lenny fic, but that is still in the brainstorming process. When I first heard that the NERDS were going to be going against a man who still lived with his mother in M is for Mama's Boy, my first thought was seriously: "Oh my god! They're fighting Howard Wolowitz!" And that's how I got the idea for my very first crossover fic.**

**Nobody is going to read this because I might just be the only person in the world who likes both NERDS **_**and**_** TBBT, but it was a lot of fun to write and it's enough that I enjoyed the process of writing it!**

**For those of you who are reading: THANK YOU, for one. And secondly: if you only know one of the two fandoms, you should be able to follow for the most part. There are a few Big Bang Theory inside jokes, but not too much for the most part. Oh, and I am Jewish myself, so anything making fun of Howard's Jewishness is totally good-natured in spirit!**

**So it's long, it's weird, and will be read by nobody, but this is my first crossover fic. Enjoy. And if you can, review!**

* * *

It started out like a run-of-the-mill Monday night. Leonard brought home five servings of takeout and Penny, Howard, and Raj came over for the free food. And, of course, a lecture from Sheldon about the inconsistencies between Pad Thai in America and Pad Thai in Thailand.

"And furthermore, authentic Pad Thai is often cooked or otherwise garnished with crushed red chili pepper, and though I have been patron to a Thai restaurant in nearly every American city I have visited, I have yet to find one that includes said ingredient," Sheldon rambled to his uncaring audience.

Leonard sighed. "Do you want me to ask them to put crushed red chili pepper on yours next time?" he asked.

"Don't be absurd," Sheldon replied. "You know as well as anyone that I don't like chili peppers. They're a little _too_ zingy for my taste."

A silent Raj rolled his eyes.

Penny set down her dish. "As much as I love learning new things about Pad Thai," she said with a hint of sarcasm, "I have to go now."

Leonard perked his head up. "Where to?"

"Oh." Penny hesitated. "I have a date."

"A date?" Leonard restated. "You already had dinner with us."

"Not out to dinner, Leonard, to a movie. I told him I'd meet him at the theater." With that, she stood up and left.

Under his breath, Leonard grumbled after her, "Be sure to tell him you were having dinner with your ex-boyfriend." She didn't hear him.

Raj watched her shut the door and waited a few seconds just to make sure she wasn't standing outside the door eavesdropping. Then he turned to Howard and shouted, "I cannot believe you, dude! This is totally a new low!"

Howard stalled before saying, "Yeah, I knew it would be a lucky break if we got through dinner without you mentioning that."

"You're kidding. You did something very bad and for that you shall suffer from me breathing down your neck about it forever!" Raj yelled.

"Wait, wait!" Leonard interrupted, throwing his hands up. "What are you guys talking about? Howard, what did you do?"

Before Howard could respond, Raj blurted out, "He stole money from his boss."

Leonard's expression twisted. "What? You stole from Dr. Gablehauser?"

"No, not my real boss!" Howard answered. "It's this jerk-ass guy who's running a big project in my department. His name is Simon Bloomberg."

Leonard smirked in spite of himself. "You stole money from a guy named Bloomberg?"

"Yes, Leonard. My people are not very good at sharing!" Howard said. "Anyway, I didn't have much of a choice. My mother was giving me total hell about my job. She kept pestering me about how I haven't gotten a raise in the past year."

"Now just wait a minute!" Sheldon piped up, having finally found a point in the conversation where it would make sense to be condescending. "Your job at the university pays you plenty money, though whether you deserve it or not is a different matter entirely. Why would you need a raise?"

Howard shrugged. "I don't know. Ask my mother. She thinks that a raise is the only sign that you're doing a good job. 'And if you keep sassing me like this, you won't get a raise on your allowance, either!'" he said, doing a nasally impression of his mother's recognizably husky voice. Then he paused. "I don't actually get an allowance, she was just joking."

"Anyway, since I wasn't going to be stupid and ask Dr. Gablehauser for a raise, my only option was to trick that _devil woman,_" he continued. "Bloomberg just so happens to be the kind of idiot who will leave his bank account details open on his desk –"

"Which leads us to the question 'Why were you snooping around his desk?'" Raj interrupted.

"Shut up…" Howard replied. "As I was saying, I kind of had a judgment fail and I withdrew money from his account using it. I showed the withdrawal to my mother and told her it was 'raise money,' and I finally got her off my back."

"Do you understand the repercussions of your actions, Howard? This can be best described as identity theft, and identity theft it punishable by up to fifty years in prison in these United States!" Sheldon exclaimed. "That's fifty years of peeing into a stainless steel bowl shared by rugged, angry men!"

Leonard and Raj didn't say anything. The appalled looks on their faces spoke their shock at their friend enough.

"I can't believe I just ate Americanized Pad Thai in the same room as a criminal," Sheldon added to his last statement.

Howard crouched in his seat and brought two tensed hands in front of his head. "Look, guys, I'm really sorry! But I know for a fact that your mothers all drive you crazy, too. Try to imagine spending your adult life _living _with them!"

Raj was about to say something. He might have been ready to tear right back into Howard. He might have had a change of heart and wanted to stick up for his best friend. But we will never know. Because right after Howard finished his last sentence, the sound of shattering glass rang from the back of the apartment.

The four men jumped at the sound and turned their heads around to see five figures slipping in through the now-broken window.

Sheldon stood straight up in his chair, knocking the rest of his dinner to the floor. "Dear lord!" he shouted. "On the very day I decide to spice things up a bit and leave that window closed! Shows how bad an idea it is to break my routine."

Leonard couldn't have cared less about the window. He was more focused on the people breaking into his apartment. "What's going on?" he yelled in fright.

Hardly answering his question, the figures scattered around the room. They were dressed all in black and had very serious expressions. But the strangest thing about them was that they were all children, no older than eleven or twelve years old.

One of them, an Asian girl, pulled two inhalers out of her pockets, pushed down the plungers, and, to the shock and disbelief of the men (with the exception of Sheldon, who had gotten over the window and was now watching the scene in fascination), lifted into the air. She flew over their heads and hovered over the coffee table. Eying each of them cruelly, she shouted, "Which one of you is Howard Wolowitz?"

Another girl, this one wearing blonde pigtails, walked around the couch and inspected each of the adult nerds individually. When her eyes landed on a quivering Howard, they turned a sickening, bloodshot red. "It's him," she said, pointing. "Flinch, hold him down!" She lifted her glasses up to rub her watering eyes.

Howard tried to stand up and get away from these bizarre kids, but two hands grabbed his arms and pulled him back down. He whipped his head around to see that he was being held down by a scrawny, dark-skinned boy with a manic look in his eyes. He turned back around to see that two more boys had joined the girls. One of them was chubby and African-American, and the other one was blond and had braces that were even worse than the ones Howard had had as a kid.

"Okay, Sheldon, now I believe that there was something wacko with the takeout," Howard said as he tried in vain to shake free of the kid's insanely strong grip.

"Shut it, buster," the Asian girl barked, letting herself fall down onto the coffee table. "You're a wanted man. Are you in affiliation with –"

"Hold up, Wheezer!" the African-American boy interrupted, walking over to the coffee table. "I was told that I get to be in charge for this one."

Matilda scowled. She liked it more when _she_ got to interrogate the suspects. "Fine, Gluestick. Go ahead," she agreed in spite of herself.

Pleased, Duncan stepped forward and pointed a blaming finger at Howard, though with a slightly more sympathetic look than Matilda's had been. "Now, are you in affiliation with a man named Simon?"

It dawned on Howard that the feds had learned about what he had done to Bloomberg and had sent these freaks to arrest him. But this was a total overreaction to one little failure in usually okay judgment. He had stolen a little money. So what? Just send a normal inspector over to take care of the problem and leave the mutants at home.

He shrugged. "I won't be anymore after this thing blows over."

"But are you now?" Duncan pressed.

"Unfortunately, yeah."

"Do you have any information on his whereabouts?"

Howard knit his eyebrows. Why were they asking this? "I don't know. I think he lives somewhere near Euclid Avenue, but you could always just look up 'Bloomberg' in the Yellow Pages."

Duncan blinked and pulled his hand back. All five of the kids looked confused. They didn't say anything more until the kid with the braces mused, "What the heck is he talking about?"

The blonde girl motioned for the rest of her group to gather. "Meeting," she said.

The other four children walked over to her, including the boy holding Howard's arms. Flinch shot Howard a look and said, "Don't try to run!" before breaking into an insane laugh.

While the children were busy huddling together and looking over papers, Sheldon examined the looks of horror on his friends' faces in bewilderment. "Do you men realize what is going on right now? We are coming face to face with the secret world of international espionage!"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "You seriously think these are spies?" he said. "I'd be more willing to bet that those hippie grannies from the meteor shower snuck more marijuana into our dinner."

"Oh, yeah, dude, I remember that. That was not fun," Raj interjected.

"I stand by my notion that these are spies," Sheldon reiterated. "And I would like to point out that at this point, you have violated our roommate agreement, Leonard. The Espionage Clause states that in case we are ever wanted by secret services, you would be responsible for building their torture chamber underneath the building."

"I would like to note that you didn't follow up on your part of the deal, either," Leonard retorted.

"That's where you are mistaken. I called every mass-market producer of electronics on the search for appropriate torture devices to decorate the chamber. I was put down and called several euphemisms for 'mentally unwell' each time, but at least I tried," Sheldon bounced back.

"You know, if I weren't in potential danger with the law right now, I would so be making fun of Sheldon for this," Howard offered

It was then that the super-powered kids turned back around to face the group. The girl with the pigtails had a sheepish expression on her face. "As it turns out, we might have the wrong guy," she said.

The men heard her, but they couldn't respond as they were too busy staring at the nasty hives forming on the girl's neck. She noticed. "Sorry," Ruby said. "I'm allergic to embarrassment."

"No, you've got the right guy," Howard admitted. "I'm Howard Wolowitz!"

"Well, you're not who we thought you were, Howard," Ruby told him.

Jackson piped up. "Do you still live with your mom?" the braces-clad boy asked.

Howard's mouth dropped open. "How did you know that?"

"Well, we had orders to find a man associated with this bad guy named Simon," Flinch explained. It was the first thing he had done so far that hadn't given Howard the impression that he was a lunatic. "We were told that he still lives with his mother. You seemed to match that description pretty well."

"Except you're working with a different Simon," Matilda added.

The four men just stared blankly. Raj looked like he was ready to wet himself.

"Um, this may be somewhat against the rules, but you seem like pretty trustworthy guys. We should introduce ourselves," Ruby said. "I'm Pufferfish, and these are my teammates: Wheezer, Gluestick, Flinch, and Braceface." She motioned to each of her friends respectively. "We belong to an organization called NERDS."

"Hey! According to every cool person I've ever met, I belong to that organization, too!" Howard laughed.

"Well, no, not that kind of nerd," Duncan corrected him. "Although we do proudly acknowledge that we're also geeks. The name is an acronym, standing for the National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society."

Sheldon slowly turned to Leonard. "Told you," he gloated.

"NERDS's members are all kids who have gotten these cool upgrades, and we get to handle all of the really important stuff," Jackson said. He smiled and his braces sprouted six tentacles that thrashed around in a showy display.

"Well, I am absolutely honored to be able to converse with such important people," Sheldon said, grinning.

Leonard nodded. "Yeah, it's pretty cool," he agreed.

Raj whispered something in Howard's ear. Eleven-year-old girls were no exception to his can't-talk-to-women rule. "Raj wants to know if you guys have laser watches and stuff," Howard said for him.

"Yes, we do," Duncan answered, showing off his own watch.

Raj grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

Flinch had since wandered off and was now admiring something resting on a shelf in the back of the room. "No way! Is this a limited-edition Green Lantern lantern?" he asked in awe.

"Yes, that would be a limited-edition Green Lantern lantern," Sheldon answered.

Flinch spotted something else lying next to it. "And a power ring?" He slipped the ring onto his index finger and chanted, "In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight!" Then he pressed the ring against the lantern, making it glow with green light.

Matilda practically swooned. "Oh, that is _so awesome_," she said.

Flinch laughed. "Sweet. Whose is this?"

"That would be mine," Sheldon announced.

Raj whispered in Howard's ear. "Actually, Raj says it's his and Sheldon stole it from him," Howard said. "He's been a Green Lantern fan for as long as he can remember."

"Well, that's not quite fair! We've all been Green Lantern fans for as long as we can remember," Sheldon objected.

"Hey, so have I," Flinch said. Then, for some reason, he made a face. "You know, I think we should leave, guys."

"That would probably be a good idea. So we don't reveal too much," Duncan said. "Now, we're not going to kill you or anything, but you have to promise that you won't tell anyone about NERDS. It's top secret stuff," he told the four men.

"You have our word," Sheldon said. Luckily, he could keep a secret if it was this important.

"All right, then. Let's move out!" Ruby shouted. She ran over to the window and climbed out of it, followed by her teammates.

Duncan walked down the side of the apartment building and Matilda flew to the ground. The rest of them used a ladder. When they reached the ground, Ruby called for the school bus to pick them up. While they were waiting, they had a very depressing conversation.

"You don't think we're going to end up like those guys, do you?" Duncan asked. "I don't know about you, but I was reminded of myself several times. Do you think we could wind up living with our moms after college?"

"Or like that other guy who had to use his best friend to speak?" Jackson supplied.

"Or maybe we'll go crazy, like that tall guy," Flinch added. "I heard him talking about torture chambers and stuff."

Ruby shook her head. "I don't think you, of all people, have to worry about going crazy, Flinch."

"Yeah, I guess not," Flinch agreed. "But didn't you guys get the feeling that none of them had a girlfriend?"

"I really don't think you need to worry about that, either," Matilda said to him.

"You know what? I bet they all had braces when they were kids," Jackson groaned.

"Come on, team. Lighten up," Ruby said. "We're the NERDS, for crying out loud. We're not going to end up losers!"

* * *

"That was really cool," Raj said when the NERDS had left. "But can't you just see those kids growing up to be just like us?"

Howard shrugged. "At least they have some chicks in their group. Unlike us, the guys might have a fair chance of getting laid in the future."

"I don't think you can refer to _them_ as chicks, Howard," Leonard mumbled. "That Korean girl looked about ready to rip your head off." Leonard had a bad history with Korean spies.

"Plus, they're only, like, eleven years old!" Raj emphasized. "You're disgusting, you know that?" To that, Howard just shrugged again.

Sheldon had to have his two cents, as well. "I can't believe you, Wolowitz! We just encountered the five people we owe our own safety and existence to, and all you're thinking about is their potential choices in sexual selection!" He paused. "Though I'm baffled that they didn't call you on your identity fraud scandal. Some crime fighters they are."

"Yeah, you've gotta remember that no matter what just happened, you're still going to get in huge trouble for that," Leonard stated.

"Damn it," Howard sighed.

* * *

**A/N: So I hope you liked this totally random bit of craziness. R&R, please!**


End file.
